So, Whaddaya Gonna Do?

PART 2 of 6

Hey!  So I been dumped by a chick what screwed me good.  I did that plenty a times ta them.  It’s all in the game.  I been around a lot ta figure that one out.  Hey, I bounce back, no complaints.  Know what I mean?  

I’m a Yankee fan, an’ look what happen’d ta them.  They come back.  Like me.  I ain’t goin’ nowhere.  That’s the breaks.  I can take it pretty good.  See that scar on my chin?  I went down ta the count a one.  So what!  I get up.  So whaddaya gonna do?  I been aroun'.  Didn’ take it personal.  It happens ta the best a us.  Believe me when I tell ya, I’m the best.  If it coulddah happen ta me, it coulddah happen ta anyone.  So whaddaya gonna do?

Like I been tellin’ ya, me an’ Ellie split, afta she almos’ try ta kill me.  So, I end up at Bellevue Hospital. 

Bellevue Hospital

The rest did me good.  Give me a little space from Tessa an’ the kids.  Ya think I go home with my tail between my legs?  Ya think I care?  Ya think I’m gonna let that bother me?  Hey, I made it.  I beat the odds.  I walked outta the joint;  I wasn’t carried out in a box, waitin’ fer no eulogy.  An’ another thing, no dames gonna call a time-out on me.  Grass don’ grow under my feet; I’m ready fer a little action again.

So what if I come home from the hospital a little hung over.  Hell, I’m human.  The doc tells me, I gotta take it easy fer at least a week.  “Relax,” he says.  Is he kiddin’?  He don’ know much about me.  I coulddah tol’ him.  Never happen.  Never learned how ta do that.  So whaddaya gonna do?  I sit aroun’ fer a day, by evenin’ I’m goin’ outta my mind.  The kids are whinin’ an’ I’m not a stay-at home guy.

Afta two days a that, I’m getting’ ready fer the loony bin.  Tessa is busy cookin’ up a storm, so I could get my strength back.  I never lost it.  What does she know?  With all the sittin’ around, I’m beginnin’ ta feel depressed.  So I finish lookin’ at the stats of all the ball teams, an’ I go over ta the computer, jus’ to fool aroun’.  So, whaddaya gonna do?

I know how ta use a computer good.  Use ta play alotta games on it.  'Course, I done a little of that online stuff.  Cyber they call it.  Ya have a little fun with a broad, turn her on an’ get a few laughs from it.  So I figure since I got the time, got nothin’ else ta do, maybe I’ll play aroun’ an’ try to hook up wit a filly.  Hey, I could use a few laughs.  Know what I mean?

So, I start clickin’ away.  I’m busy watchin’ the monitor when I see a name what inerests me.  Now I’m getting’ pretty excited.  The name’s Bambi.”  What kinda name is that? I’m thinkin’.  Might as well fin’ out. 

Don’t cost nothin’ ta do that.  I make myself real comfortable in my chair, ready ta see whose comin’ down the road, bringin’ a little action my way.  It ain’ the kind I’m use ta, but, Hey! whaddaya gonna do?

I instant message her.  Know anythin' about that?  I type in, “Hi Ya.”  Nothin’ fancy.  In a second I get a response.  Like it’s a real person there.  Hey, I’m lookin’ at a monitor, an’ I’m clickin’ a mouse.  Who's the guy what thought that one up? 

She answers, “Hello.”

Brilliant, right?  Gotta be real sharp wit my reply.  But, Hey!  I don’ want her to go away.  Gotta think fast wit a smart come-back; somethin’ funny, I figure;  somethin’ to make her feel like I know what I’m doin’.  I’m smooth, right?

All the time my mind’s racin’ to come up wit somethin’ amusin’.  When was the last time I use a good line on a dame? I sit wonderin'.  Goin’ with Ellie so long, I didn’ have to be charmin; ‘specially not afta ya catch the broad.  Know what I mean?”  Ya stop tryin’ an’ then she don’ expect it no more.  It kinda starts ta get borin’ an’ maybe the excitement stops a little;  but, hey!  The fun’s in the chasin’ ~ not the catchin’.  Guys like that.  Chasin’  I mean.  That’s why they're always lookin’.  Chicks don’ understan’ that.  Whaddaya gonna do?  Ya think it’s easy bein’ a guy?  Guys like hangin’ out together.  Paisanos.  Capisce?

Finally figure out what I’m gonna say.  I’ll pull a fast one like, “I bet you’re cute.”  That one always worked fer me before.  Immediately she says, “Bet you’re pretty cute yourself.”  Just like that.  Hey, this gal’s got class. Right away I could tell.  I’m getting’ real inerested, an’ I know I’m gonna have some fun wit her.  My kinda chick.  Now if the kids will leave me alone an’ stop whinin’, I’m gonna settle down an’ spen’ the rest a the time snowin’ her big time.

But the kids won’ leave me be, so I gotta sign off, but not before invitin’ her inta a chat room later on.  Geez, my kinda day.  She’s gonna do it.  So, I play wit the kids a little, an’ finally convince Tessa ta take them ta the picture show, which ain’ hard ta do at all.  My Tessa she loves the movies, and I give her plenty a bills to blow on popcorn, candy, an’ soda.  She’s dressed before I can take the twenty spot from my trousers.

My timin’s still good.  Tessa leaves wit the kids an’ I make a b-line fer the computer, an’ sign on.  I wait an’ wait to instant message Bambi, and whaddaya know.  The bimbo stood me up.  Me!  Stan the Man. 

Never happen before but I laugh an’ think there’s gotta be a first time.  This is gonna be a two-time deal, first an’ last time.  Know what I mean?  But, I don’ give up so easy an’ I hang aroun’.  There’s plenty more fish in the sea where she come from.

Sure enough her name comes up on the monitor,  seems like her mouse froze.  Seems funny, don’ it?  A mouse which could freeze?  Geez, never had that happen to me.  So, she an’ me go into a private chat room, an’ we pick up where we left off.  In no time she tells me she’s an exotic dancer.  Do I know how to pick 'em or what?  With a name like Bambi, how could ya miss?

We spen' the nex’ half hour gettin’ acquainted really good.  She ain’ married, got no kids, been livin’ here about two years.  Jus’ my speed.  I ask fer her phone number, an’ she kinda acts shy which don’ last long an’ bingo!  She gives it to me without me even hardly tryin’.  Guess I still got miles left on givin’ a chick a line.  Whaddaya gonna do?

I start to sweet talk her, an’ wind up invitin’ her fer a burger and beer at Joe’s Pub.  She says OK.  I’m real excited now cause this is gonna be easy pickin’.  My kinda bimbo.

By this time, I ain’ feelin’ no pain.  I’m real happy when we click off.  I go out ta Charlie’s Shoe Shine Stand an’ get a shine.  Gotta look nice fer the broad.  First impressions count, know what I mean?  I got plans fer us if this works out.  Figure an exotic dancer got moves I don’ know about.  This I gotta see.  Wait till I tell the guys.  They’ll eat their hearts out.  Vinnie never did understan’ how a classy chick like Ellie fell fer someone like me.  I got charisma, that’s like charmin’.  Know what I mean?

I call Vinnie on my way ta the pub.  When I get there, the guys are stretched out on Joe’s bar, waitin’ fer the action ta begin.  Me, I’m adjustin’ my tie, an’ slickin’ my hair.  Gotta look good.  In walks the chick.  Don’ look like no Bambi ta me, more like blimpie.  Mamma mia!  She was some gigunda broad.  The guys start whistlin’, makin’ funny noises, an’ I sit like I been shot in the foot.  Don’ blame the guys fer carrin’ on.  Hey!  Whaddaya gonna do?

Bambi

Polite-like, I make my move and say, “Ya must be Bambi.”  Right away I see she got the hots fer me.  I shake her hand, which is biggerin’ mine.  But I’m cool.  I say, “Bambi, I got good news and bad news. Which ya wan’ first?”  

Right away she grabs my sweaty palm, looks into my blue ones an’ says, “Gimme the good news.”  "Well," I say, “Seems like the guy you was gonna meet got inta an accident.  It’s good news ‘cause he ain’ dead.  So he invited all his friends here ta meet ya an' anyone a them be glad ta invite ya fer a burger.”

The guys at the bar sit straight up when they hear this.  Right away they start makin’ their way ta the door.  But Vinnie didn’ get there fast enough.  So I call him ova ta meet Bambi an’ I’m thinkin’ it could maybe work out OK.  I introduce them an she grabs onta Vinnie like she’s never gonna let go.  Vinnie he jus’ looks me in my good eye, an’ I say, “Vinnie, this here is Bambi;  she’s an exotic dancer. Buy her the biggest burger in the joint;  She’s a class act.” 

Vinnie, he ain’ takin’ his glass eye offa me, an’ I figure I gotta remin’ him of a couple a things so he’ll know where I’m comin’ from.

So I say, “Ya remember when we went ta the show at the Shubert Theatre an’ ya walked outta there before the show was finished?  An’ remember what happen ta me after that?  Like Bellevue Hospital?  An’ since you isn’ the guy all hooked up ta machines, is that how come ya already fergot?  An’remember when I grabbed yer arm and tol’ ya you would owe me big time?  Well…meet Bambi.  Size-wise she’s bigger than the biggest time ya ever gonna get, compliments a Stan the Man-who by the way, didn’ come down wit yesterday’s rain, know what I mean? 

Paybacks are hell…So whaddaya gonna do?”

Know What I Mean?

PART 1 of  6

What if you were livin’ a double life what was about ta go down? You were about to get the rug pulled from under yer Florsheim shoes.  Someone was plannin’ on knockin’ ya off, like murder?  Would anyone believe ya?  Even worse, who could ya tell in as much as it didn’ happen yet?  There was no proof an’ no body.  Would they think you were two sandwiches short of a picnic?  Crazy?  Perhaps.  Was it real?  Oh yeah.  Believable?  Not a chance.

It all happen two years ago.  I met Ellie.  Young, beautiful, an’ excitin’, at least to me.  I was a married man.  Kids, cars, wife, morgaged  house, the whole schmear.  It was an innocent meetin’; they always start that way.  I was at Joe’s Pub one night after work, where the guys all meet before the once-a-week poker game starts.  We’d have a few quick ones, grab a burger and then ta Frankie’s house ta play.  He was the only bachelor in the bunch, so it made sense.  No kids ta interrupt the game with their whinnin’.  He always had six packs a beer, cigars, an’ cigarillos an’ we would light up soon as the last guy join us.

Ellie

Well, happens that this beautiful young woman was sittin’ at the bar with a friend who then suddenly scrams. I was seated the closest to her.  One thing leads to another an’ we start ta talk.  Nice lookin’ woman.  After two drinks, I was feelin’ no pain, an’ the conversation was good, like we always knew each other.  Don’ know what she saw in me, but I realize I was becomin’ very attracted to her.  She was blonde, my type with long legs, and built just the way I like.  Know what I mean?

Music was playin’ in the background, the pub was dim, guess I musta looked good ta her, too.  Pretty soon all the guys showed up, an’ it was time ta go.  I was feelin’ good by this time an’ I wasn’ particularly in that much of a hurry ta leave.  Why would I want ta go out with the guys, if I could maybe get inerested in her?  'Course you understan’ what I’m thinkin’!  Hey, I’m a red-blooded American guy an’ the juices are flowin’.

I’m sorta getting’ the feelin’ she wants me ta stay, too.  

So turnin’ ta my friend Vinnie who by the way is standin’ on one of my brand new shoes, I say, “Hey Pal, I’m suddenly busy.  Wonder if I can take a rain check fer tonight;  somethin’ just came up.”  I then nudge him offa my Florsheims.  He took one look at the blonde sittin’ nexta me an’ lookin’ me straight in the face, winks his eye which is not an easy thing to do, in as much it ain’t really his eye.  It’s glass.  His real eye got knocked out from fightin’ in the ring.  He puts his hand on my shoulder sayin’, “Hey kid, go fer it.”  Us paisanos understan’ each other.

The guys all left, but Vinnie, he turn aroun’ one more time, watchin’ the action goin’ down.  I gotta admit she was one beautiful broad.  I realize I have to clean up my act, so she’ll stay inerested.  Which ain’t all that hard ta do; I know I didn’ lose my touch yet;  the women still give me the look.  

So, I guess I ain’ hard on the eyes.  I go to Stillman’s gym three days a week ta work out, an’ the abs are lookin’ pretty good.  The rest ain’ all that bad, neither.  Got a good head a black hair, get a manicure once a week, an’ Tony gives me hot towels after he shaves my face each mornin’.  Not bad. That’s my one vice.  Never liked shaving.  Glad though tonight I not only look good, but I smell good from the afta-shave he uses on my skin.  The price of all that finally pays off.

Martinis

She was drinkin’ martinis an’ she sure knew how to belt ‘em down.  Yup, she was real friendly. Nice girl I realized.  Not what I was ‘xactly hopin’ fer…too nice, know what I mean?  Like refined.  But maybe, I could still get lucky.  I was gonna try.

“So, what’s yer name,” I ask her.  She jus’ looks at me, smilin’-like and says, “Who wants to know?”  Right away I knew this broad had class.  Could tell by the way she speaks.  Kinda refined.  I knew the type.  Well, the conversation took right off.  I been told I could be charmin’ an’ lay on my best line.  “Would ya min’ tellin’ me yer name?” I say, shy-like, “so I can buy ya a drink?”  She lays a pair of big brown eyes on me, coulda knocked me right offa the seat.

“Ellie.  Everyone calls me, Ellie.  It’s short for Eleanor, you know.  I was named for my great Aunt, though I never met her.  She was dead by then.  But, they say I look just like her and she was a writer, too.  Funny isn’t it?”

“Oh, sure,” I answer, smil’n to myself while takin’ another swallow from the glass a scotch in my hand.  Why not, I think.  This is one show I ain’t goin’ to let go down.  A piece-a-cake, I figure.  But, I figure wrong.  

This good lookin' doll got a head on her.  She’ ain’ gonna be easy.  So, I try another approach, like, “What brings ya to Joe’s Pub?  You ever been here before?” I ask her.  She answers in a real sweet voice what’s easy to the ears.

“Well, I don’t usually talk to strangers,” she begins, but you look harmless, and I could use the company.  I come here fairly often.  I live in the neighborhood.  I meet some friends here once a week;  it’s sort of our hangout.”

Well, I couldn’ believe my luck.  Been comin’ here for years myself an’ never spotted her before.  Must be somethin’ wrong wit my eyes.  I’m convince I need glasses.  How could I have missed her? One thing leads ta another.  The hour is getting’ late, and before the night’s ova, I tell my name.  She tells me she’s a writer, livin’ in the city, wasn’t married an’ she is inerested in me.  I musta charmed her good’  even got her phone number.  I left out one tiny thing, that I was married.  No sense ruinin’ a good thing, I figure.  Besides what difference did that make?  She didn’ ask.  I didn’ tell.  I planned on takin’ things very slow;  there was no reason ta expect anythin’ more happenin’ from this evenin’.  She was that  kinda girl.  I could tell.  I’m rarely wrong- instinct, I guess.  Know what I mean?

So, that’s how our first evenin’ goes an’ how I met Ellie.  Oh, forgot ta mention, I didn’ ask to take her home that night, or to invite her to mine, but then a course, how could I do that?  Not takin’ her home showed her my respect, ‘specially when I call a cab ta drive her cause the time is gettin' pretty late. 

I wanted ta show her I was a gentleman.  Just in case she ain’ noticed.  I figure the manicured nails would impress her;  I caught her throwin’ an eye on them.  Or, maybe she was lookin’ to see if I was wearin’ a marriage band.  I took it off soon as I begin ta get inerested in her.  Either way, the results were okay.  Gotta be prepared, know what I mean?

Ever since that night, Ellie an’ me we was an item.  We started hangin’ out together.  Since I play poker every Tuesday night, not comin’ home was no problem.  Tessa, my wife, never questions when sometimes I come home near mornin’.  Fact is I’m a Private Eye by profession, so for the most part, my time is pretty much my own.  Ellie, she never wondered much, either.  I had nothin’ to worry about, livin’ and lovin’. Both these broads kept my juices flowin’.  The rest a the week, I put in my time.  Had to, in order to keep the moolah comin’ in.  It ain’ cheap--- Women that is.  Ya gotta send flowers, remember birthdays an’ buy them some fancy duds.  Buyin’ keeps my secretary Rosa pretty busy;  she does all the leg work.  I get all the fun.  She’s okay, too.  Give her a bang once in awhile.  I keep them all happy.  Me?  I’m a hot-blood Paisano, capisce?

Stan the Man

Hey, guess you’re wonderin’ what my name is.  It’s Stan.  I’m so busy tellin’ ya all about this stuff, it almost, I said almost, slip my mind.  Now don’ go makin’ funny remarks about my mind.  Only I could do that.  Know what I mean?

So, Ellie an’ me been goin’ together about two years an’ she is one helluva busy writer.  Which is alright by me.  It gives me time to spen’ at home wit the kids.  It seems ta me she must make a lot of money writing the crap cause she lives real good in a big brownstone wit a doorman.   Maybe she got money from her folks, who I find out are dead.  But of course I don’t ask, why rock the boat?

I give her what she wants and she puts out betta then anyone I ever been wit.  Them classy broads are not so classy under the sheets.  Well, I find out I’m really fallin’ for Ellie, and I know she’s nuts about me.  I treat her like a lady, an’ show her a lotta respect.  She never been wit a slob like me an’ for some reason this turns her on, which is okay by me.  Know what I mean?

Shubert Theater

Ellie winds up writing a hit play which lands on Broadway in the Shubert Theater.  A big deal kinda joint.  At about the same time she comes and tells me she’s gonna have a kid. 

“Whaddaya go and do that fer?” I ask her while we’re havin’ dinner at some fancy restaurant she picked out.  Hey, money’s no object when it comes to her.  I love the dame.  Know what I mean?  She looks at me wit them big brown ones, tears startin’ and I feel like some kinda louse.

“Okay,” I tell her, grabbin’ her hand, squeezin’ it hard.  “We’ll fin’ some fancy doctor an’ you can get rid a it.  That’s what you want, right?”

Well, she jus’ looks at me like I gave her a right hook, not that I would know.  But she looked upset.  

“Well,” I begin again, “Whaddaya want?  Ya got the openin’ of the show an’ it’s gonna run at least a year; it’s getting’ good reviews…What?  You wanna kid to give ya agit-tah?” 

I realize I’m talkin’ too much, so I just sit and eat my baked Ziti Bolognese.  We don’ say nuttin’.  This is some expensive meal goin’ into a sewer.

Baked Ziti

Well, we get back ta her place.  I help her wit her jacket, put my arms aroun’ her, kiss her gently, look into her big browns and’ tell her quietly, “I’m sorry.”  I take her ta the couch.  She leans against me an’ I hold her close.  She starts ta relax an’ we sit there for awhile without talkin’.  I understan’ how ta treat women, know what I mean?  Ends up I spen’ the night, which is perfectly okay, cause Tessa is out of town visitin’ her sick sister.

She stays in bed the nex’ mornin’, cause she is feelin’ mornin' sickness, an’ I get up and go ta my office.  She gives me two tickets ta see the show for that night, an’ tells me she won’t be there cause the doctor told her she should stay home an’ rest durin’ the first three months.

So, I tell her I’d rather sit in the theater an’ see it with her, but I understan’ and I’ll call up my friend Vinnie an’ take him.  Hell, the seats are house seats, fifth row center.  Tessa will be home that night, but it’s my poker night so what the hell!  She ain’ gonna know the difference, and Vinnie will owe me big time.  Know what I mean?

Burger and Beer

Right after work, I go over ta Joe’s Pub, grab a burger an’ beer an’ head for the theater where Vinnie is waitin’ outside.  It’s rainin’ like crazy by this time an’ Vinnie has his head buried in his Alpacuna coat, all ya could see was the end of the cigar he was smokin’.  That’s how come I know it’s him.  Know what I mean?

Goin’ inside the theater, right away this gorgeous dame comes over and says she’ll see us ta our seats.  Must think we’d get lost or somethin’.  But, we follow her an’ gotta admit she’s lookin’ good ta me.  The theater fills up.  The lights go off and I’m waitin’ to see what Ellie has goin’ on in her head.  It don’ take me long ta figure it out.  I begin ta find myself sittin’ on the edge a my seat, cause she wrote a story about us.  Geez!  Why’d she go an’ do that?

I can’t believe my eyes, or my ears neither fer that matter.  The guy on the stage even sounds like me.  I glance over at Vinnie ta see if he catches on, but already I can see his head is noddin’ and he’s sittin' in the best seats in the house.  So, no one would know that this here play ain’ somethin’ made up.  It’s the real stuff.

It’s about Stan –the-Man.  Me!  I’m beginnin’ a sweat; the burger and beer suddenly ain’t sittin’ so good.  Seems this woman who also happens to be a writer is goin’ wit a guy who’s a Private-Eye.  Beginnin’ to sound familiar, right?

Turns out this guy is married, though at the time she didn’t know it.  He knocks her up, never lets her know he has a wife an’ kids and she meanwhile has a guy on the side which the married guy don’ know about.

What kinda two-timin’ broad is this?  Seems she’s so mad at the married guy, she’s plannin’ some kinda revenge.  That’s where the other guy comes in.  She cries and tells the other guy he has to tell the married guys’ wife.  But, he don’ wanna be no patsy.  Know what I mean?

At intermission, I wanna get outta there so fast, I’m gonna make a b-line for the lobby, but Vinnie suddenly wakes up and says, “Hey!  Where ya goin’?”  Like he knows what’s happenin’.

“Hey,” I answer angry-like, “What’s it to ya?  Ya slept through the whole first act.”

“What are ya some kind a nut?” he says.  “I lost my contact from my good eye.  I couldn’t see, so I closed my eyes.  I got ears.  I could hear.  Ask me, I dare ya, ask me what happened.”

Ah, who’s gonna fight wit him?  He already got one glass eye, an’ he’s lookin’ ta get another one if he keeps this up.  Know what I mean?

So, we grab us a coffee from the bar an’ go back in fer the second act.  Turns out she ain’t such a nice innocent doll after all.  She hires someone to kill the Private Eye.  She got money, so that’s no problem.  Never knew a dame could get so angry.  But, maybe she got a point.  The guy really is a bum; he’s gotta wife, kids a’ he’s screwin’ aroun’ wit her.  I’m so into it now, I can’t believe I’m on her side, know what I mean?

At this point, Vinnie wants ta go.  “Nah,” I say.  “Now I’m not ready yet,” and I pull him down into his chair.  I gotta see how she knocks him off.  This is my life she’s ruinin’ and’ I ain’t ready to go nowhere.  But I can’ keep Vinnie in his seat an’ he starts ta make so much noise, the people aroun’ us start ta complain.  So what can I do?  We both leave.  It’s rainin’ somethin’ fierce, so we grab a cab.

Layin’ in bed that night I know it’s gonna be a big stretch till mornin’ cause I can’t believe what I just saw.  That little bitch!  How could she two-time me wit another guy?  Hey, maybe this kid she’s carryin’ ain’ mine, an’ she’s passin’ it off on me?  Geez!  I got enough a my own.  Don’ need another kid ta call me daddy.  Then it hits me.  I jump outta bed, grab the phone an’ call Louie-the Schnozz.  Maybe we can give my dame a scare.  Threaten her or somethin’.  Never work, I realize.  I hate to think what I’m thinkin’, but I can’t stop, know what I mean?

I finally know what I gotta do.  Listen…like the guys say, ya gotta do what ya got do.  So, I take a quick shower an’ Tessa yells out, “It’s four o’clock in the morning!  Where ya goin’?” 

Like how come she’s up?  “Can’t sleep,” I answer, “Gotta big case I’m workin’ on.  I’m goin’ ta the office; it’s on my mind.  Can’t stay in bed.” 

Brooklyn Bridge

What does she know?  If I told her I bought the Brooklyn Bridge, she’d believe it.  “Go back to sleep,” I tell her, grabbin’ my hat and leave.

I’m sittin’ at my desk, when it hits me.  If she ever lets Tessa know what I been doin’, Tessa will take me to the cleaners.  Alimony, child support, the house, the cars…I’ll be up the kazoo in bills, an’ livin’ in a cold water walk-up apartment, probably with no heat. 

I decide ta go over ta Ellie’s an’ talk it ova.  I ring her bell an’ she opens the door in a minute, like she knows I’m comin’.  I pretend nothin’ is wrong.  Jus’ that I’m worried about her.  She looks sweet and innocent like, but I know that’s an act, know what I mean?

She makes some coffee an’ while we’re sittin’ in the kitchen drinkin’ the java, the phone rings.  I suddenly ain’ feelin’ so good.  She’s talkin’, lookin' at me, an’ watchin’ me drink.  I start ta get pains in my stomach.  My throat begins ta burn.  I can’ see so good outta my eyes.  She’s hangin’ up the phone, not takin’ her eyes offa me.

“What’s the matter, Stannie?  Not feelin’ so good?  Do you wanna lay down?  You look awful.”

She tries to help me up, but I don’ trust her.  Why the broad poisoned me, I figure.  She can’t get away wit this.  I’m a Private Eye.  I’m smarter then she.  She’s jus’ an innocent kid, a writer, I’m the guy wit the moves.  I been around.  I know ‘bout these things.  I didn’t come down wit yesterday’s rain, know what I mean?

Bellevue Hospital

Well, I wind up in Bellevue Hospital an’ they pump my stomach.  Musta been the burger at Joe’s Pub.  She’s sittin’ there holdin’ my hand askin’ me how I liked the show.  I’m too ashamed to say I walked out.  She ask me how I liked the ending?  I jus’ smiled an’ said, “Hey kid, I’m proud-a-you.”  What did ya wan’ me to say?  Can’t tell her the truth.  I never did fin’ out how it ended.

So, I make believe an’ say, “Whaddaya go and kill him for?”  She looks at me like I’m crazy.  She says soft-like, “You walked out, didn’t you?”

I’m beginning to get her message.  She knows I’m lyin’ an’ it ain’t workin’ too good.  I reach for her, this time she pulls away an’ says, “Stan, it’s over.  If you saw the end of the play you would know that.  You never told the truth in your entire life.  I know about Tessa.  Oh, by the way, in case you’re interested, which I know you’re not…I’m not carrying  your baby.  You would have known that if you stayed till the end.  But you couldn’t wait to get out of the theater.”

So, Ellie stands up to leave an’ I say, “Hey, where ya goin’?”  She looks at me wit those big brown ones, blows me a kiss an’ wouldya believe she says, “Stan, I tried to poison you with the coffee, but the last minute I didn’t want to go to prison for a creep like you.”

I sit up in bed so mad I start hollerin’ at her.  The more I yell, the more she laughs.  I could feel the pain beginnin’ in my chest an’ left arm.  I’m callin’ “Nurse!  Nurse!” an’ Ellie walks outta the room laughin’ sayin’, “You’re lyin’ Stan.  It isn’t working this time,” an’ she leaves.  The nurses come runnin’ an’ I’m yellin' at the top of my lungs,  “Ellie!  Ellie!”

They start jabbin’ at my arms with syringes, pumpin’ me wit stuff.  I’m a layin’ duck.  I keep blabberin’, “She tried to kill me.”  But, everyone’s too busy to hear what I’m sayin’.  Nobody cares that I mighta died an’ that two-timin'- bimbo almost got away wit it.  They give me some stuff in my arm so they could put a tube down my throat which by the way, almost killed me.  They’re hookin’ me up ta machines an’ getting’ a oxygen mask ova my face.  They musta given me somethin’ ta make me sleepy cause the nex’ thing I know, I hear someone talkin’.

When I open my eyes, Ellie is standin’ nexta the side a my bed.  She sees the surprise in my eyes, but hey, I know she couldn’t stay away from me.  I know my women, know what I mean?

“You look pathetic,” she’s sayin’.  “Look at you.  You don’t look like such a hot shot now.  You’re always busy telling me you’re the guy nobody screws around with.  Well…someone did.  Me!”

She finally stops talkin’ an' starts walkin’ outta the room.  She gets halfway ta the door, an’ turnin' aroun’ looks at me again.  “You know Stan,” she says quietly, “You’re cheap goods.  Whatta piece a work.” 

Winkin’ her eye as she leaves, she says, “Screwin' ain' what it used to be. Know what I mean?”

Boogie in a Ball Gown! ~ The Kaiserball

I shook my head in disbelief as I sat in my cramped seat on Swiss Air, flying back to Tucson.  Did I really attend the Kaiserball in the Hofburg Palace on New Year's Eve in Vienna, Austria?

This trip took a year to plan and with a blink of an eye, the evening was over.  And, I wasn't ready for it to be over.

Having done a Google search prior to the trip, I didn't know if the description of the New Year celebration that I read on the internet was accurate or embellished to entice the reader.  This ball sounded too good to be true.  And you know what they say:  When things sound too good to be true...Exactly my thought, too.  But, I couldn't stop thinking about spending New Year's Eve in a palace rather than on my couch in sweat pants.  Would this ball be fabulous or phony?  My expectations were elevated to unrealistic levels, but still, I had to go and find out.

As I tried to make myself comfortable in my economy-class seat, I closed my eyes and relived part of the year, remembering when I first went shopping for a ball gown...

"So, here I am,” I thought, standing half naked in my dressing room in a bridal shop surrounded by QUINCEAÑERA girls and brides-to-be waiting for the sales girl to bring a gown for me to try on.

She brought me two:  a size sixteen and an eighteen.  I assured her, in my spandex workout clothes, that I was a size four in street clothes.

She scowled, having heard girls protest about their size for decades and said in a condescending voice, "There's no shame in being larger.  Most brides fudge because of vanity and the pregnancy factor."

I protested, making a mental note to stay on the treadmill for an extra hour after I finished shopping.  "Actually I’m a size four and besides, I'm not a bride!"

That caught her attention.

"Then what are you doing here?" she inquired.  "Obviously you're too old to be celebrating your QUINCEAÑERA."

As she helped me into the over-sized dress, I explained, "I was invited to a ball in the Hofburg Palace in Vienna on New Year's Eve and I need a gorgeous ball gown for the occasion."

Her mouth dropped and so did the dress.  She watched it slide off my hips to the floor and retrieved another.

The salesgirl returned with a size two, white beaded Cinderella gown which sparkled in the overhead lighting.  As she dressed me, she said under her breath, "How does one get to go to a ball?"

Heidi Goldman

"The Imperial Ball, also known as The Kaiserball, is the first of four hundred balls that set off Vienna's season, beginning on New Year's Eve.   All one needs is a ticket, formal attire, and a crash course in ballroom dance lessons," I explained.

"Then you'll need fancy shoes, too," she added, getting into the spirit.

The salesgirl returned with strappy shoes, stilettos with rhinestones, and dressy satin pumps for me to try on, but I had other ideas.  I knew I would be dancing all night on marble floors in a palace which is over one million square feet containing more than two thousand rooms.  My feet would kill me by the time I made my way from the front door to my dinner table, this much I knew.  The ball was eight hours long and there was no way I would be able to waltz the night away in a ball gown without being crippled.  Such a dilemma for a girlie-girl.

I knew as difficult as it was to find the perfect gown, it would be harder to find the perfect shoe.  Or should I say, a comfortable shoe.  And then it hit me.

The only shoe that really feels good all day and night is a sneaker.  But, how could I attend a ball in a Cinderella gown and a pair of Keds with anklets?

What a ludicrous idea.  Or was it?

When I told my entourage of eavesdropping customers and my salesgirl that I planned on wearing jazz sneakers, they rolled their eyes.

But I had the last laugh.

While all the European women rubbed their tired, blistered feet, I danced all night.  My ball gown covered my inappropriate sneaker-clad feet and when I lifted my dress slightly, showing the ladies in Vienna my little secret, they giggled and I made friends for life.

This gown was my obsession for almost a year.  Since I found the perfect gown, how would I get it to Vienna?   UPS estimated five hundred dollars to ship.  So, that was out of the question.  I really had no choice but to wrap the gown in a sheet, stuff it in my suitcase and with a prayer, hope it would arrive with the rest of my luggage.

I spent months looking for palace appropriate jewelry, opera length gloves, a velvet cape, and continued to worry how we, my dress and I and of course my date, would fit in a limo since my dress expanded six feet in diameter.  And how on earth would I use the ladies’ room wearing a dress the size of a continent?

My date, typical guy, decided that the gown had taken on the qualities of a Diva and was becoming high maintenance.  She weighed twenty-five pounds and stood up without assistance; she had her own suitcase, required her own closet space in the European hotel and had her own accessories.

He named her: ~Sophia~

Heidi Goldman New Year's at the Kaiserball
Hofburg Palace ~ Vienna, Austria

The Captain's voice came over the loud speaker, stopping my memories from flooding into the first-class compartment of the plane.

I went from being a princess in a palace, to Poof!-sitting economy-class on an overstuffed jet, still pinching myself to see if I was awake or merely hallucinating.  One minute I felt like a cross between Cinderella, minus the wicked step-sisters, and a Princess without a Palace.  And, now I was just an ordinary Joe, squished and squeezed into submission in my little seat in coach.  Imagine how Sophia must have felt in my little suitcase.

If it weren't for the photographs and videos I took, I would never believe that I actually boogied in a ball gown until three in the morning in the Hofburg Palace, New Year's Eve at the Kaiserball in Vienna, Austria.
It was a night I'll never forget.  I felt like a princess and dressed like one...rhinestones, sneakers and all.

How's that for a reality check?

Heidi Goldman attending the Kaiserball  New Year's Eve at The Hofburg Palace Vienna, Austria

Heidi Goldman ~ New Year's Eve at the Kaiserball  in the Hofburg Palace, Vienna, Austria
Happy New Year!

New Year's Eve in the Hofburg Palace~Oh! What a Night!

Heidi Goldman attends the Imperial Ball in Vienna, Austria New Year's Eve

Going to a ball on New Year’s Eve sounds glamorous.  Even romantic.  Twenty-three hundred Europeans dressed in jeweled ball gowns and starched tuxedos having a formal dinner in the Hofburg Palace in Vienna and me, a teacher from Tucson, Arizona living out this dream.  Everyone waltzing the night away, bringing in the New Year in style is like a fairy tale.  Too good to be true?  But, it was true.

Most people in the United States are either celebrating at a party in a friend’s house, paying exorbitant price fixe dinner rates at a restaurant with a complimentary glass of cheap bubbly at the end of the evening, or watching the ball drop in Times Square on television.  Sound familiar?  That’s what I always did, too, until I was invited to attend the Imperial Ball, the first ball of Vienna’s season on New Year’s Eve.

I wondered if I could even find a ball gown, a Cinderella dress to-die-for.  Not an easy task compared to how I would ever be able to ship it to Austria considering the voluminous size and many layers involved. But I did. Wrapped in a sheet, I reluctantly pushed and shoved my gown into its own suitcase and lovingly sent it on its way by plane with the rest of my luggage.

That resolved, other questions arose.  Would I fit into a limousine wearing a gown the size of a continent?  

The dress had taken on its own persona:  it had accessories, stood up on its own, weighed twenty-five pounds and took up an entire closet.

Heidi Goldman's Ball Gown

It’s one thing to go to a ball, but let’s face it, how does one go in a ball gown?  I didn’t have to face that dilemma yet, but I couldn’t help wonder.

You may assume I must know how to ballroom dance.  After all, everyone has been watching So You Think You Can Dance for seasons.  Considering I have two left feet, next came dance lessons only to discover that learning the Viennese Waltz is the most difficult dance to learn- it’s not the hokey pokey.  Humbly, I took many challenging lessons for months. 

Have tickets...Will Travel

Heidi Goldman's tickets to Vienna's Imperial Ball New Year's Eve

Fast Forward to December 31…

My date and I entered the Hofburg Palace, the center of the Habsburg empire for centuries and were overwhelmed by its size and grandeur.  We were welcomed by the Grenadiers of the K.K. Infantry and had champagne cocktails in the Entrance Hall of the palace.

Heidi Goldman New Year's Eve ~ Hofburg Palace Vienna, Austria

Men and women from around the globe wearing magnificent ball gowns and tuxedos, mingled and listened to a string quartet playing music by Strauss, the king of waltz.

Excitement overcame me and after my last sip, I rushed up the red carpeted marble staircase, no easy feat in a large gown, to see the Grand Festival Hall, where we would be spending New Year’s.  It is the largest and most opulent of all the rooms.  

The architecture, ceiling frescoes and enormous glittering, crystal chandeliers were exquisite.  Price of admission (Eur 540 pp) to this room included a four-course dinner, welcoming cocktail, white and red wine, mineral water, champagne, musical entertainment by live-orchestras, dancers, opera singers, dancing and an operetta at the end of the evening.

Once inside this fairy tale-like room that was elaborately appointed with enormous displays of red and white roses on pedestals, guests twirled to a traditional Viennese orchestra under the golden glow illuminated by the grandiose chandeliers, while others found their tables and joined people who would become new friends by night’s end.  

Our table comprised of two dignified Russian couples and two effervescent couples from Malta.

Heidi Goldman in white at the Imperial Ball Vienna, Austria
New Year's Eve

Suddenly a brass band marched into the room playing, The Radetsky March. This particular song in Vienna brings everyone to their feet, clapping wildly to the rhythm.  And tonight in all its splendor was no exception.

Costumed dancers then followed and on the raised stage, danced the traditional Polonaise. 

Guests returned to their seats for the next course, but when the other orchestra, a big band jazz ensemble began to play, everyone abandoned their table and returned to the dance floor.  I couldn’t believe I was in a palace, boogie-ing in a ball gown to In The Mood, Rock Around the Clock and current songs of Michael 

Buble to Stevie Wonder.

When the brass played regal music announcing the arrival of actors impersonating Emperor Franz Joseph and Empress Sisi, everyone stood up.  An entourage walked in front of the Imperial couple as they walked amidst the guests who immediately parted themselves on the dance floor, like Moses parting the Red Sea and were seated on stage in Baroque style chairs.

Emperor Franz Josef and Empress Sisi

Enthusiastic people counted down to midnight in their own languages yelling, “Happy New Year!” as sparkling fireworks lit up the big screen.

A ballet ensemble danced to the strains of The Blue Danube.  When they finished, Emperor Franz Joseph stood and thanked all of us for celebrating with him, wishing us peace, happiness and good fortune in the New Year in several languages.

Next, the operetta began.  For those of you who are thinking:  Boring!  Think again.  Viennese music is filled with a joie de vivre.  These internationally famed stars performed with joy and whimsy.

In the wee hours of the morning, a dance professional invited everyone to the dance floor to form a line facing one another and taught us hundreds of traditional steps so that we could try to participate in the Fledermaus-Quadrille.

The music raced wildly; people twirled rapidly, laughing and bumping shoulders.

Then, the Big Band, with its loud expansive sound played Cha Cha, Samba, Swing and popular music until three-thirty to a room of dance and party enthusiasts who wished the evening would never end.

The Imperial Ball at the Vienna Hofburg Palace is the event that begins the seasons of Balls.  So, for those of you who want to do something dazzling on New Year’s Eve, throw away your sweat pants, grab your tuxedo and elegant ball gown and waltz the night away into a spectacular New Year in the Hofburg Palace.  

Oh, What a Night!

Heidi Goldman ~ New Year's Eve in the Hofburg Palace ~ Vienna, Austria