Know What I Mean?

PART 1 of  6

What if you were livin’ a double life what was about ta go down? You were about to get the rug pulled from under yer Florsheim shoes.  Someone was plannin’ on knockin’ ya off, like murder?  Would anyone believe ya?  Even worse, who could ya tell in as much as it didn’ happen yet?  There was no proof an’ no body.  Would they think you were two sandwiches short of a picnic?  Crazy?  Perhaps.  Was it real?  Oh yeah.  Believable?  Not a chance.

It all happen two years ago.  I met Ellie.  Young, beautiful, an’ excitin’, at least to me.  I was a married man.  Kids, cars, wife, morgaged  house, the whole schmear.  It was an innocent meetin’; they always start that way.  I was at Joe’s Pub one night after work, where the guys all meet before the once-a-week poker game starts.  We’d have a few quick ones, grab a burger and then ta Frankie’s house ta play.  He was the only bachelor in the bunch, so it made sense.  No kids ta interrupt the game with their whinnin’.  He always had six packs a beer, cigars, an’ cigarillos an’ we would light up soon as the last guy join us.

Ellie

Well, happens that this beautiful young woman was sittin’ at the bar with a friend who then suddenly scrams. I was seated the closest to her.  One thing leads to another an’ we start ta talk.  Nice lookin’ woman.  After two drinks, I was feelin’ no pain, an’ the conversation was good, like we always knew each other.  Don’ know what she saw in me, but I realize I was becomin’ very attracted to her.  She was blonde, my type with long legs, and built just the way I like.  Know what I mean?

Music was playin’ in the background, the pub was dim, guess I musta looked good ta her, too.  Pretty soon all the guys showed up, an’ it was time ta go.  I was feelin’ good by this time an’ I wasn’ particularly in that much of a hurry ta leave.  Why would I want ta go out with the guys, if I could maybe get inerested in her?  'Course you understan’ what I’m thinkin’!  Hey, I’m a red-blooded American guy an’ the juices are flowin’.

I’m sorta getting’ the feelin’ she wants me ta stay, too.  

So turnin’ ta my friend Vinnie who by the way is standin’ on one of my brand new shoes, I say, “Hey Pal, I’m suddenly busy.  Wonder if I can take a rain check fer tonight;  somethin’ just came up.”  I then nudge him offa my Florsheims.  He took one look at the blonde sittin’ nexta me an’ lookin’ me straight in the face, winks his eye which is not an easy thing to do, in as much it ain’t really his eye.  It’s glass.  His real eye got knocked out from fightin’ in the ring.  He puts his hand on my shoulder sayin’, “Hey kid, go fer it.”  Us paisanos understan’ each other.

The guys all left, but Vinnie, he turn aroun’ one more time, watchin’ the action goin’ down.  I gotta admit she was one beautiful broad.  I realize I have to clean up my act, so she’ll stay inerested.  Which ain’t all that hard ta do; I know I didn’ lose my touch yet;  the women still give me the look.  

So, I guess I ain’ hard on the eyes.  I go to Stillman’s gym three days a week ta work out, an’ the abs are lookin’ pretty good.  The rest ain’ all that bad, neither.  Got a good head a black hair, get a manicure once a week, an’ Tony gives me hot towels after he shaves my face each mornin’.  Not bad. That’s my one vice.  Never liked shaving.  Glad though tonight I not only look good, but I smell good from the afta-shave he uses on my skin.  The price of all that finally pays off.

Martinis

She was drinkin’ martinis an’ she sure knew how to belt ‘em down.  Yup, she was real friendly. Nice girl I realized.  Not what I was ‘xactly hopin’ fer…too nice, know what I mean?  Like refined.  But maybe, I could still get lucky.  I was gonna try.

“So, what’s yer name,” I ask her.  She jus’ looks at me, smilin’-like and says, “Who wants to know?”  Right away I knew this broad had class.  Could tell by the way she speaks.  Kinda refined.  I knew the type.  Well, the conversation took right off.  I been told I could be charmin’ an’ lay on my best line.  “Would ya min’ tellin’ me yer name?” I say, shy-like, “so I can buy ya a drink?”  She lays a pair of big brown eyes on me, coulda knocked me right offa the seat.

“Ellie.  Everyone calls me, Ellie.  It’s short for Eleanor, you know.  I was named for my great Aunt, though I never met her.  She was dead by then.  But, they say I look just like her and she was a writer, too.  Funny isn’t it?”

“Oh, sure,” I answer, smil’n to myself while takin’ another swallow from the glass a scotch in my hand.  Why not, I think.  This is one show I ain’t goin’ to let go down.  A piece-a-cake, I figure.  But, I figure wrong.  

This good lookin' doll got a head on her.  She’ ain’ gonna be easy.  So, I try another approach, like, “What brings ya to Joe’s Pub?  You ever been here before?” I ask her.  She answers in a real sweet voice what’s easy to the ears.

“Well, I don’t usually talk to strangers,” she begins, but you look harmless, and I could use the company.  I come here fairly often.  I live in the neighborhood.  I meet some friends here once a week;  it’s sort of our hangout.”

Well, I couldn’ believe my luck.  Been comin’ here for years myself an’ never spotted her before.  Must be somethin’ wrong wit my eyes.  I’m convince I need glasses.  How could I have missed her? One thing leads ta another.  The hour is getting’ late, and before the night’s ova, I tell my name.  She tells me she’s a writer, livin’ in the city, wasn’t married an’ she is inerested in me.  I musta charmed her good’  even got her phone number.  I left out one tiny thing, that I was married.  No sense ruinin’ a good thing, I figure.  Besides what difference did that make?  She didn’ ask.  I didn’ tell.  I planned on takin’ things very slow;  there was no reason ta expect anythin’ more happenin’ from this evenin’.  She was that  kinda girl.  I could tell.  I’m rarely wrong- instinct, I guess.  Know what I mean?

So, that’s how our first evenin’ goes an’ how I met Ellie.  Oh, forgot ta mention, I didn’ ask to take her home that night, or to invite her to mine, but then a course, how could I do that?  Not takin’ her home showed her my respect, ‘specially when I call a cab ta drive her cause the time is gettin' pretty late. 

I wanted ta show her I was a gentleman.  Just in case she ain’ noticed.  I figure the manicured nails would impress her;  I caught her throwin’ an eye on them.  Or, maybe she was lookin’ to see if I was wearin’ a marriage band.  I took it off soon as I begin ta get inerested in her.  Either way, the results were okay.  Gotta be prepared, know what I mean?

Ever since that night, Ellie an’ me we was an item.  We started hangin’ out together.  Since I play poker every Tuesday night, not comin’ home was no problem.  Tessa, my wife, never questions when sometimes I come home near mornin’.  Fact is I’m a Private Eye by profession, so for the most part, my time is pretty much my own.  Ellie, she never wondered much, either.  I had nothin’ to worry about, livin’ and lovin’. Both these broads kept my juices flowin’.  The rest a the week, I put in my time.  Had to, in order to keep the moolah comin’ in.  It ain’ cheap--- Women that is.  Ya gotta send flowers, remember birthdays an’ buy them some fancy duds.  Buyin’ keeps my secretary Rosa pretty busy;  she does all the leg work.  I get all the fun.  She’s okay, too.  Give her a bang once in awhile.  I keep them all happy.  Me?  I’m a hot-blood Paisano, capisce?

Stan the Man

Hey, guess you’re wonderin’ what my name is.  It’s Stan.  I’m so busy tellin’ ya all about this stuff, it almost, I said almost, slip my mind.  Now don’ go makin’ funny remarks about my mind.  Only I could do that.  Know what I mean?

So, Ellie an’ me been goin’ together about two years an’ she is one helluva busy writer.  Which is alright by me.  It gives me time to spen’ at home wit the kids.  It seems ta me she must make a lot of money writing the crap cause she lives real good in a big brownstone wit a doorman.   Maybe she got money from her folks, who I find out are dead.  But of course I don’t ask, why rock the boat?

I give her what she wants and she puts out betta then anyone I ever been wit.  Them classy broads are not so classy under the sheets.  Well, I find out I’m really fallin’ for Ellie, and I know she’s nuts about me.  I treat her like a lady, an’ show her a lotta respect.  She never been wit a slob like me an’ for some reason this turns her on, which is okay by me.  Know what I mean?

Shubert Theater

Ellie winds up writing a hit play which lands on Broadway in the Shubert Theater.  A big deal kinda joint.  At about the same time she comes and tells me she’s gonna have a kid. 

“Whaddaya go and do that fer?” I ask her while we’re havin’ dinner at some fancy restaurant she picked out.  Hey, money’s no object when it comes to her.  I love the dame.  Know what I mean?  She looks at me wit them big brown ones, tears startin’ and I feel like some kinda louse.

“Okay,” I tell her, grabbin’ her hand, squeezin’ it hard.  “We’ll fin’ some fancy doctor an’ you can get rid a it.  That’s what you want, right?”

Well, she jus’ looks at me like I gave her a right hook, not that I would know.  But she looked upset.  

“Well,” I begin again, “Whaddaya want?  Ya got the openin’ of the show an’ it’s gonna run at least a year; it’s getting’ good reviews…What?  You wanna kid to give ya agit-tah?” 

I realize I’m talkin’ too much, so I just sit and eat my baked Ziti Bolognese.  We don’ say nuttin’.  This is some expensive meal goin’ into a sewer.

Baked Ziti

Well, we get back ta her place.  I help her wit her jacket, put my arms aroun’ her, kiss her gently, look into her big browns and’ tell her quietly, “I’m sorry.”  I take her ta the couch.  She leans against me an’ I hold her close.  She starts ta relax an’ we sit there for awhile without talkin’.  I understan’ how ta treat women, know what I mean?  Ends up I spen’ the night, which is perfectly okay, cause Tessa is out of town visitin’ her sick sister.

She stays in bed the nex’ mornin’, cause she is feelin’ mornin' sickness, an’ I get up and go ta my office.  She gives me two tickets ta see the show for that night, an’ tells me she won’t be there cause the doctor told her she should stay home an’ rest durin’ the first three months.

So, I tell her I’d rather sit in the theater an’ see it with her, but I understan’ and I’ll call up my friend Vinnie an’ take him.  Hell, the seats are house seats, fifth row center.  Tessa will be home that night, but it’s my poker night so what the hell!  She ain’ gonna know the difference, and Vinnie will owe me big time.  Know what I mean?

Burger and Beer

Right after work, I go over ta Joe’s Pub, grab a burger an’ beer an’ head for the theater where Vinnie is waitin’ outside.  It’s rainin’ like crazy by this time an’ Vinnie has his head buried in his Alpacuna coat, all ya could see was the end of the cigar he was smokin’.  That’s how come I know it’s him.  Know what I mean?

Goin’ inside the theater, right away this gorgeous dame comes over and says she’ll see us ta our seats.  Must think we’d get lost or somethin’.  But, we follow her an’ gotta admit she’s lookin’ good ta me.  The theater fills up.  The lights go off and I’m waitin’ to see what Ellie has goin’ on in her head.  It don’ take me long ta figure it out.  I begin ta find myself sittin’ on the edge a my seat, cause she wrote a story about us.  Geez!  Why’d she go an’ do that?

I can’t believe my eyes, or my ears neither fer that matter.  The guy on the stage even sounds like me.  I glance over at Vinnie ta see if he catches on, but already I can see his head is noddin’ and he’s sittin' in the best seats in the house.  So, no one would know that this here play ain’ somethin’ made up.  It’s the real stuff.

It’s about Stan –the-Man.  Me!  I’m beginnin’ a sweat; the burger and beer suddenly ain’t sittin’ so good.  Seems this woman who also happens to be a writer is goin’ wit a guy who’s a Private-Eye.  Beginnin’ to sound familiar, right?

Turns out this guy is married, though at the time she didn’t know it.  He knocks her up, never lets her know he has a wife an’ kids and she meanwhile has a guy on the side which the married guy don’ know about.

What kinda two-timin’ broad is this?  Seems she’s so mad at the married guy, she’s plannin’ some kinda revenge.  That’s where the other guy comes in.  She cries and tells the other guy he has to tell the married guys’ wife.  But, he don’ wanna be no patsy.  Know what I mean?

At intermission, I wanna get outta there so fast, I’m gonna make a b-line for the lobby, but Vinnie suddenly wakes up and says, “Hey!  Where ya goin’?”  Like he knows what’s happenin’.

“Hey,” I answer angry-like, “What’s it to ya?  Ya slept through the whole first act.”

“What are ya some kind a nut?” he says.  “I lost my contact from my good eye.  I couldn’t see, so I closed my eyes.  I got ears.  I could hear.  Ask me, I dare ya, ask me what happened.”

Ah, who’s gonna fight wit him?  He already got one glass eye, an’ he’s lookin’ ta get another one if he keeps this up.  Know what I mean?

So, we grab us a coffee from the bar an’ go back in fer the second act.  Turns out she ain’t such a nice innocent doll after all.  She hires someone to kill the Private Eye.  She got money, so that’s no problem.  Never knew a dame could get so angry.  But, maybe she got a point.  The guy really is a bum; he’s gotta wife, kids a’ he’s screwin’ aroun’ wit her.  I’m so into it now, I can’t believe I’m on her side, know what I mean?

At this point, Vinnie wants ta go.  “Nah,” I say.  “Now I’m not ready yet,” and I pull him down into his chair.  I gotta see how she knocks him off.  This is my life she’s ruinin’ and’ I ain’t ready to go nowhere.  But I can’ keep Vinnie in his seat an’ he starts ta make so much noise, the people aroun’ us start ta complain.  So what can I do?  We both leave.  It’s rainin’ somethin’ fierce, so we grab a cab.

Layin’ in bed that night I know it’s gonna be a big stretch till mornin’ cause I can’t believe what I just saw.  That little bitch!  How could she two-time me wit another guy?  Hey, maybe this kid she’s carryin’ ain’ mine, an’ she’s passin’ it off on me?  Geez!  I got enough a my own.  Don’ need another kid ta call me daddy.  Then it hits me.  I jump outta bed, grab the phone an’ call Louie-the Schnozz.  Maybe we can give my dame a scare.  Threaten her or somethin’.  Never work, I realize.  I hate to think what I’m thinkin’, but I can’t stop, know what I mean?

I finally know what I gotta do.  Listen…like the guys say, ya gotta do what ya got do.  So, I take a quick shower an’ Tessa yells out, “It’s four o’clock in the morning!  Where ya goin’?” 

Like how come she’s up?  “Can’t sleep,” I answer, “Gotta big case I’m workin’ on.  I’m goin’ ta the office; it’s on my mind.  Can’t stay in bed.” 

Brooklyn Bridge

What does she know?  If I told her I bought the Brooklyn Bridge, she’d believe it.  “Go back to sleep,” I tell her, grabbin’ my hat and leave.

I’m sittin’ at my desk, when it hits me.  If she ever lets Tessa know what I been doin’, Tessa will take me to the cleaners.  Alimony, child support, the house, the cars…I’ll be up the kazoo in bills, an’ livin’ in a cold water walk-up apartment, probably with no heat. 

I decide ta go over ta Ellie’s an’ talk it ova.  I ring her bell an’ she opens the door in a minute, like she knows I’m comin’.  I pretend nothin’ is wrong.  Jus’ that I’m worried about her.  She looks sweet and innocent like, but I know that’s an act, know what I mean?

She makes some coffee an’ while we’re sittin’ in the kitchen drinkin’ the java, the phone rings.  I suddenly ain’ feelin’ so good.  She’s talkin’, lookin' at me, an’ watchin’ me drink.  I start ta get pains in my stomach.  My throat begins ta burn.  I can’ see so good outta my eyes.  She’s hangin’ up the phone, not takin’ her eyes offa me.

“What’s the matter, Stannie?  Not feelin’ so good?  Do you wanna lay down?  You look awful.”

She tries to help me up, but I don’ trust her.  Why the broad poisoned me, I figure.  She can’t get away wit this.  I’m a Private Eye.  I’m smarter then she.  She’s jus’ an innocent kid, a writer, I’m the guy wit the moves.  I been around.  I know ‘bout these things.  I didn’t come down wit yesterday’s rain, know what I mean?

Bellevue Hospital

Well, I wind up in Bellevue Hospital an’ they pump my stomach.  Musta been the burger at Joe’s Pub.  She’s sittin’ there holdin’ my hand askin’ me how I liked the show.  I’m too ashamed to say I walked out.  She ask me how I liked the ending?  I jus’ smiled an’ said, “Hey kid, I’m proud-a-you.”  What did ya wan’ me to say?  Can’t tell her the truth.  I never did fin’ out how it ended.

So, I make believe an’ say, “Whaddaya go and kill him for?”  She looks at me like I’m crazy.  She says soft-like, “You walked out, didn’t you?”

I’m beginning to get her message.  She knows I’m lyin’ an’ it ain’t workin’ too good.  I reach for her, this time she pulls away an’ says, “Stan, it’s over.  If you saw the end of the play you would know that.  You never told the truth in your entire life.  I know about Tessa.  Oh, by the way, in case you’re interested, which I know you’re not…I’m not carrying  your baby.  You would have known that if you stayed till the end.  But you couldn’t wait to get out of the theater.”

So, Ellie stands up to leave an’ I say, “Hey, where ya goin’?”  She looks at me wit those big brown ones, blows me a kiss an’ wouldya believe she says, “Stan, I tried to poison you with the coffee, but the last minute I didn’t want to go to prison for a creep like you.”

I sit up in bed so mad I start hollerin’ at her.  The more I yell, the more she laughs.  I could feel the pain beginnin’ in my chest an’ left arm.  I’m callin’ “Nurse!  Nurse!” an’ Ellie walks outta the room laughin’ sayin’, “You’re lyin’ Stan.  It isn’t working this time,” an’ she leaves.  The nurses come runnin’ an’ I’m yellin' at the top of my lungs,  “Ellie!  Ellie!”

They start jabbin’ at my arms with syringes, pumpin’ me wit stuff.  I’m a layin’ duck.  I keep blabberin’, “She tried to kill me.”  But, everyone’s too busy to hear what I’m sayin’.  Nobody cares that I mighta died an’ that two-timin'- bimbo almost got away wit it.  They give me some stuff in my arm so they could put a tube down my throat which by the way, almost killed me.  They’re hookin’ me up ta machines an’ getting’ a oxygen mask ova my face.  They musta given me somethin’ ta make me sleepy cause the nex’ thing I know, I hear someone talkin’.

When I open my eyes, Ellie is standin’ nexta the side a my bed.  She sees the surprise in my eyes, but hey, I know she couldn’t stay away from me.  I know my women, know what I mean?

“You look pathetic,” she’s sayin’.  “Look at you.  You don’t look like such a hot shot now.  You’re always busy telling me you’re the guy nobody screws around with.  Well…someone did.  Me!”

She finally stops talkin’ an' starts walkin’ outta the room.  She gets halfway ta the door, an’ turnin' aroun’ looks at me again.  “You know Stan,” she says quietly, “You’re cheap goods.  Whatta piece a work.” 

Winkin’ her eye as she leaves, she says, “Screwin' ain' what it used to be. Know what I mean?”