Ya Gotta A Problem With That?

PART 3 of  6

Aw right, so the guys are all laughin' at me.  So, I picked up a broad online-on the computer.  I admit it.  So, she ain' exactly trim and slim.  It could happen.  Some funny things happen in my life, but that don' mean I'm gonna stop livin', an' stop tryin'.  How ya gonna know anythin' unless ya keep tryin' ta get it right?  Ya make a few mistakes. That don' mean the world's comin' ta an end.  Ya think I'm like the guys at Joe's Pub?  They ju' hang out waitin' fer it ta be handed ta them.  Me, I don' wait fer nuttin'.  I'm adventrous.  I do my homework,   know what I mean?

I took a chance.  A long shot.  How ya gonna know?  The broad sounded excitin'.  How many exotic dancers do ya know?  

Bambi

This here coulda turn'd into something real hot.  So the guys laugh.  They wouldn' laugh if she was the real thing.  Hell, their tongues would be hangin' out.  I know that.  Getta life, I keep tellin' them, like me.  Ya win some, ya lose some, ya never know if ya don' try.  Ya gotta a problem wit that?

I'm sittin' in the Pub one night, shortly after I dump Bambi.  In walks this broad to die fer.  No one's around and she sits down nex' ta me.  Whaddaya gonna do? I figure here we go again.  Ya think I run scared?  Ya think I won' make a move?  It's excitin'.  I'm a hot blooded guy.  Ya gotta problem wit that?

I'm drinkin' my beer, pretendin' ta mine my own beeswack, an' she takes out a cigarillo an' says, "Gotta light?"  My kinda dame.  How do they fin' me?  Here I thought my luck was down the tubes when along comes this chick.  How do I manage ta get lucky without even lookin' or tryin'?

Lola

This time no guys are aroun' to watch the action go down.  I need my space.  No ones gotta line like mine to snow a filly.  I reach inta my pocket, lookin' fer matches.  I'm always prepared, like a Boy Scout.  Sure enough, I got my zippo lighter.  Always keep it handy an' do-able.  I lean over and light the cigarillo.  She looks me deep in the eyes and blows the smoke at me.  Sexy, right?  I know I'm in the right place, and the timin' ain' too shabby, either.  Ya gotta problem wit that?

So right away we start talkin'.  She offers me one a her cigarillos an' we're both puffin' away.  She don' suspec' but I take a quick look ata her legs.  Hey!  I'm a leg man, know what I mean?  She's lookin' pretty good from the waist up, too.  Long red hair, never saw eyes so blue;  I'm wonderin' if she wears contacts.  Aw, what the hell!  Who cares?  She's wearin' a dress what don' leave nothin' ta the imagination, an' mine is workin' overtime now.  Ya gotta problem with that?

There's no one in the place,  an' it's kinda dim, so I try puttin' my arm aroun' her.  She looks at me an' says, "Aren'cha gonna buy me a drink?"

What am I some kinda nut, I'm thinkin'?  How could I forget a bout that?  Embarrassed-like, I call over Paulie to set up a few.  He give me the nod an' the wink, an' I figure he knows what's comin' down the road fer me.  I'm a real Don Juan.  If ya got, ya got it and I know I got it.  Whaddaya gonna do?

I know this is gonna be a push over.  She's hot ta trot.  I lean ova an' say, "Hey, where'd ya get them blue eyes from?"

Without battin' an eye, she says in a high squeaky voice, "Oh, glad ya noticed!  I spent big bucks fer these contacts.  Dr. Segal my eye doctor tol' me if I send him more patients, he would take care a me good.  Ya really like them?"

Leanin' over, I whisper in her ear, "Not as much as I like you."

She's smilin' by this time an' I casually put my hand on her leg.  She don't seem ta mind, so I give her a little squeeze.  She giggles an' removes it, sayin', "Gents aren't allowed ta do that, ya know.  Besides which ya don' even know my name yet."

Boy, I'm sure losin' my touch.  How come I make a mistook like that.  Stan baby, I'm thinkin', ya ain' goin' ta get any action if ya keep this up.  Quick like, I mumble, "I'm sorry," an' she shows me a mouthful of pearly whites.  So, I'm off an' runnin' again.  Ya got a problem wit that?

This time I'm playin' it safe, an' I ask her fer her name.  Takin' a sip of the beer, she says, "It's Lola, and ya know whatever Lola wants, Lola gets."  She starts gigglin' again, only this time she squeezes my hand.  I admit I'm hooked.  She got me in the palm of her hand.  What a classy broad, know what I mean?

We start hittin' it off but she gotta run, so I ask her if I can see her again.  She says, "Sure, why not?  When ya wanna meet?"

I think fast.  Don' let grass grow under my feet an' say, "Why lose a good thing.  How about tomorrow?  The same time?"  I'm quick on the draw, figurin' none a the guys would be aroun' then.  What the hell.  I don' need them hecklin' me while I make my moves.

Glass of Chardonnay

So that's how it went fer the nex' couple a weeks.  We meet at Joes' Pub, have a few quick ones, get more an' more familiar, an' I'm now ready ta really get acquainted wit her.  I invite her out on a real date.  I take her ta Vinnie's Pizza Parlor.  Nice joint I figure fer a date.  We was sittin' there drinkin' a glass a wine an' gettin' pretty snookered.  

Pepperoni Pizza

The pepperoni pizza come an' we start ta shovel it down.  I figure this is turnin' out to be a classy date with the wine an' all.  After two bottles of the vino, we both ain' feelin' any pain an' casual-like I reach over an' try the leg squeeze again.  Only this time she don' object.  Like I say, we was acquainted an' I know her name.  Gotta problem wit that?

Vinnie comes ova to see if everything is OK, which of course it is.  Who needs him here now when I'm tryin' ta make out wit the chick.  He leaves an' I begin ta run my hand up her thigh an' she's eatin' away at the pizza without noticin', I'm thinkin'.  I'm gettin' closer and closer ta my target, an' I'm beginnin' to feel this is easy pickin's.

But, I don' figure right. When I get to where I think I should be, somehow the parts don' feel like Lola's.  My broad drops the pizza like it's on fire.

"Hey!" she takes my hand away.  "Where da ya think you're goin'?  Ya think I'm some kinda two-bit hooker?  Ya think ya buy me a pizza an' ya own me?"

Wit that she reaches up an rips off the red hair.  It's a wig.  I near fell offa the seat.  She was bald.  She takes out the contacts.  Ain' got blue eyes neitha.  Whaddaya foolin' aroun' wit?  She ain' a she.  She's a Goddamn he.  Whaddaya gonna do?

So, I wanna split. But, I realize - Too late!  Lola's a transvestite what's dressed like a broad.  I'm dead!  Me!  Stan the Man.  I been had.  Know what I mean?  I don' protest.  When you're caught with the goods, you're a dead man.  I'm jus' lucky the guys ain' here ta see this.  I'd be the laughin' stock a the neighborhood.  Me, a married man wit kids.  Ya know what I mean?

But I don' get off so easy.  Vinnie here when he meets the guys at Joe's Pub is busy shootin' off his mouth.  They all crack up thinkin' how I got my hand caught in the cookie jar.  Me, I don' think it's so funny 'specially when I gotta try explainin' that ta my Tessa.

But, it all turns out OK an' I sweet talk her an' bring her some candy an' flowers an' lie through my teeth which at one point she threatens ta remove.  

Brooklyn Bridge

But, like I said, ya could sell her the Brooklyn Bridge.  Life gets back ta normal, an' I'm playin' wit the kids, goin' ta Joe's Pub ta be wit the guys when one night the phone rings there,  an' it's fer me.  I get up an' answer it.  It's Lola.  She wants me ta meet a friend a hers.  Hey, I'm a guy.  I'm human.  There's a world out there.  I gotta go.  

Ya gotta a problem wit that?