How Ya Gonna Know?

PART 4 of  6

Vinnie theVonce

Rememba me?  I'm Vinnie, the Vonce.  I'm the guy which Stan the Man, my best fren took me ta the Shubert Theater ta see Ellie's show which by the way I take a powder on, an split.  He don' let me ferget it either, even though he don' see Ellie no more on accoun' a that.


I gotta Pizzeria on Fifth and Belmont.  One day I'm tossin' a pie when a classy lookin' dame comes bouncin' in with the greatest pair of gams an' big bertha's what I ever seen.  I nearly drop the pizza dough given her the once ova.  I'm a hot-blooded Paisano.  

She don' even give  me a smile or the time a day, but right away she orders a pepperoni pizza ta go.  Me, I can' take my eyes offa her body.  So I try pitchin' her a line like, "Ya like pizza?"  Quick-like she answers, "Don' press ya luck, I didn' come ta pizza joint cause I wanna burger an' fries."

But, hey, how ya gonna know?

I try ta make a little fast talk, but she ain' buyin' my line a goods.  I start tossin' the dough in circles ta catch her attention an' maybe try ta impress her.  But it ain' workin'.  So, I start spreadin' a little sauce on the pepperoni pie pretendin' this time I'm concentratin' on her order.  Casual-like I say, "Ya been here before?"  She still don' say nuttin'.  "Aw, what the heck," I continue, "I'm only askin' 'cause I bought the joint a couple a months ago, an' I ain' seen ya in here before."

"Oh," she says, "This place belongs ta you?  I been comin' here regular since I move ta the neighborhood.  
funny, I ain' seen ya before neither."

How come the chick suddenly comes alive, I'm wonderin, an' she atchilly can talk?  How ya gonna know?

Maybe she was thinkin', I'm jus' a jerk what tosses dough cause I ain' got too many smarts.  Guess she figures wrong.  Know what I mean?  She suddenly decides ta make points wit me when she learns that I own the joint.  It could happen.  She starts gettin' kinda chummy, an' it an' hard ta figure out why she change her attitood so quick-like.  How ya gonna know?
She win's up tellin' me her name is Tessa an' she loves EyeTalian food.  Hey the dame is right up my alley.  My kinda broad.  It could happen.  By the time her pizza's outta the oven, I already make a move invitin' her ta dinner Saturday night at my house.  I'm gonna cook her somethin' special, 'cause I think we should get ta know each other.  We got somethin' goin' fer us, like she digs Eyetalian food.  This here Paisano likes what she got ta offer.  Know what I mean?

"Cause I tell Tessa I don' live in no fancy joint, but I own it.  No mortgage, no payments ta the bank;  it's free an' clear, all mine.  Ya gotta problem wit that?  I could tell Tessa's loosin' up when she hears I gotta house, no studio apartmen', a car, an' my own business.  Do I know how ta impress a chick an' make big points or what.  How ya gonna know?

I ain' no good lookin' jock, I know that.  I'm short, stocky, an' got one glass eye, so I ain' all that good ta look at, but I make the most a what I got.  I work hard, save my dough, an' gotta dynamite personality.  I know how ta treat a broad an' show her a good time.  Ya gotta problem wit that?

I had ta learn how ta get what I wan' from a chick.  It took practice, but I finally figure it out all by myself.  Ya make believe you're a gent what needs a dame ta look afta ya.   Dames love bein' needed.  it's got somethin' ta do wit bein' a mother.  Know what I mean?  They learn that when they're little.  It's like a home-in instinct kinda thing, like birds buildin' a nest.  Guys don' got it, but they how how ta get it.  Somehow it works out nearly all the time.  How ya gonna know?

So, like I been sayin', I know how ta work a chick.  Now I think I got one what will buy my line, gimme the kinda recreation I wan', an' she's thinkin' it was all her idea.  'Cause me havin' a car, a house an' a pizza parlor ain' too shabby a deal fer her, neither.  Know what I mean?

Well right away we hit it off, an' start seein' alotta each other.  Every Saturday Tessa has dinner an' sleeps ova my place.  We're gettin' very chummy.  Intimate, ya know.  It could happen.

I begin makin' big plans, like maybe she could move in wit me, which don' sit too good wit her.  She lets me know right away she ain' no one-night stand.  She don' believe in shackin' up, like that movin'-in kinda stuff.   'Cause I ain' too happy about that, an' tell her, "Hey Tessa, whaddaya afraid a?  Huh?  Ya practically livin' here wit me anyway.  'Sides which I wanna take good care a ya.  How am I suppose ta do that when ya come bouncin' in and out like a yo-yo?  It won' cost ya no money.  Ya can live here fer free.  Ya gotta a problem wit that?"

But she's lookin' ta get married, an' I ain' ready fer no commitmen'.  Hey, there's a world out there.  I'm an operator.  I ain' even tried sowin' them there wild oat things.  I need my space, but I wanna broad fer what a broad is good at-my recreation.

One Friday night, Tessa tells me she's gonna have my kid.  Hey, what does she think?  I been aroun' the block a couple-a-times.  I ain' come down wit yesterday's rain.  How do I know the kid's mine?  If she sleeps wit me Saturday, who's she sleepin' aroun' wit the rest a the week?  I gotta brain what thinks, an' it ain' where ya pin the tail on the donkey.  Tha's how come I get where I did.  I ain' pushin' no baby carriage wit a kid in it callin' me, "Daddy," which I ain'.

I pay my dues wit this stuff onc't before.  No more mister nice guy.  "Fin' another sucker ta stick it to," I tell her.  "It ain' gonna be Vinnie the Vonce."

Right away she starts bawlin' and I say ta her, "Tessa, the deal is off between us.  Dead!  No kids, ya hear?  I'm outta here.  I'm gone.  Unless ya wanna have an abortion."

Tessa don' say much.  Tha's what I like about this dame.  Quiet-like she tells me, "Vinne, I'll handle it.  Ya don' have nuttin' ta worry about."  She gets her stuff an' walks outta my life.  Right away I know I made the right move.  Instinct.  

Well sometime afta she an' me split, I learn from the guys at the Pub that she was seein' another guy at the same time she an' me was foolin' aroun'. 'Cause I was a little ticked off when I hear the guy what she was shackin' up with was Stan the Man, my bes' frien'.  An', I also hear Tessa had the kid which Stan thinks is his.  How ya gonna know?

I was really runnin' scared at the time, hopin' he wouldn' ever fin' out the truth about the kid.  He don' like a John who's a player, but not a stayer.  'Sides which Stan loan me the down payment on the pizza joint.  I give him a percentage from which he plays the ponies at the track, an' that way, he don' need ta report the winnin's.  Ya gotta problem with that?

I'm tossin' dough one day when who walks inta my pizza joint, but Tessa.  She's actin' real friendly-like.  Guess she ain' angry anymore about me dumpin' her.  But, why should she be?  She didn' think I was gonna spring fer a kid what ain' mine.  How ya gonna know?

Like I say, Tessa is some looker.  She's a knockout.  Havin' a kid don' spoil her figure none in the tight red dress an' high heel shoes she's wearin'.  She's smilin' like a cat what swallow a canary.  Puttin' her hands on her hips she says, "Ya know Vinnie, ya done me a real favor.  I got married ta a real gent.  Treats me good.  Neva wanted no one-night stan' like you.  I lucked out."

I can' take my eyes offa her.  Whatta good lookin' sexy broad.  I forget how this dame could turn me on, till I see her.  Suddenly I realize I still got the hots fer her.  She leans over toward me, an' I catch a look at the big bertha's which show me what I been missin'.  An' then the chick holds out her finger fer me ta see the ring she's sportin'.  Suddenly I ain' feelin' so good.  The pizza dough gets holes in it from too much tossin' on my part.  

She shows me a picture of her kid.  He's a spittin' image a me.  His name's Rudy.  Hey, what kinda name is that fer a kid?  Me, Vinnie the Vonce, a Papa wit a kid name Rudy, which don' even know he's mine.  Well, Tessa starts ta sweet talk me an' nex' thing ya know, we're back where we lef' off.  Tessa's the forgivin' type an' 'sides which, ain' I the father of her kid?

Fer me, the action is too good ta pass up.  I don' usually mess aroun' wit my bes' frien's ole lady, unless a course there's a way which he won' fin' out.  Hey, I admit I'm a hot-blooded Paisano, what got principals.  But, if ya got plenty a moola ta spread aroun', ya could like ferget the principals an' make ya own rules.  Ya go wit the flow.  So, I play the odds against Stan findin' out what's goin down, an' I keep my eyes open while playin' the cat an' mouse game wit Tessa.  But, I didn' know Tessa was usin' me.  How ya gonna know?

Stan starts gettin' restless afta the last kid's born, an' begins lookin' aroun' fer a little action.  He tells the guys at the Pub, the juices are flowin', he's losin' his line, an' his battery needs rechargin'.  Us guys understan' that.  How ya gonna know?

One thing leads ta another an' Stan is the star pitcha playin' the field again.  Tessa is gettin' suspicious which Stan don' catch on.  She calls me ta fin' out what's goin' down.  But I can' squeal on my bes' frien' Stan, so Tessa threatens ta tell Stan about Rudy.  

Now Tessa an' me gotta become buddies.  I got somethin' she needs ta know, an' she got somethin' on me she wan's Stan ta know.  So, I gotta promise her when Stan starts two-timin' her, I'll call, but only if she an' me can begin gettin' it on again on the side.  How ya gonna know?

Meantime, while makin' out wit her, I give her a proposition about us gettin' a place in Mexico where we can live.  I got plenty a money stashed what Stan don' know 'cause I been holdin' out on him since me an' Tessa are gettin' it on.  I could take care a her an' the kids big time.  But it don' mean we would get married.  I ain' ferget about that yet.  I still didn' sow them there wild oat things.


She begins ta get in'erested in my deal.  Hey, I figure I got it made.  I get to live wit this sexy broad, an' I watch my son grow up.  Stan is so busy hittin' on dames I figure I'm doin' him a favor.  No kids, no wife, he can let the good times roll.  Whatta frien's fer?  How ya gonna know?

Only it don' turn out that way.  One day I go ta her house ta repor' on Stan an' I try ta make a move on her hopin' fer a roll in the hay.  I grab her an' try ta plant a kiss.  She won' let me an' we win' up fallin' on the floor.  How ya gonna know? 

Stan the Man

Nex' thing I know Stan's in the room grabbin' me, ready ta punch out my only good eye.  I try ta escape but the dog's holdin' on ta my leg.  Whaddaya gonna do?  I limp outta their joint rubbin' my foot an' I fall ova the kid's toys an' hit my head on the floor.  My glass eye's knocked outta my head.

Stan's screamin', "Vinne ya Vonce, ya suppos' ta be my bes' frien'.  He jerks me offa the floor whiile slappin' me aroun', an gives me back the glass eye which he foun'.

Meanwhile, Tessa's throwin' me the car keys which I lef' on the table an' I'm limpin' outta there ta my car, jumpin in, startin' the engine, an' racin' off.  Ya gotta problem wit that?

Now I'm back tossin' pizza dough an' waitin' on tables. Had ta let all my help go 'cause Stan the Man call-in the marker which he give me ta buy the joint.  He also find out about my stash for the Mexico deal, an' I owe him ta the tune of ten thousand big ones.

I feel I been took big time.  Me!  Vinnie the Vonce got shafted good by a broad.  But I don' give up. 

I remember them big bertha's, an' her figure what's hot ta trot.  I'm still in the game.  I'm a player what likes a little action.  I ain' goin' down fer the count.  I'm stickin' around.

Ya gotta problem wit that?  Hey!  How ya gonna know?